So you're having twins

A note to an expectant twin parent

Wow, you’re having twins! Twins!

Congratulations! This is so exciting! I wanted to send you a note to welcome you to the twin parent club and to share some wisdom I’ve gathered along my journey so far as a twin parent.

I don’t know about you, but for me and Jack, the twin thing came as a huge surprise.

“Wouldn’t it be cool to have twins?”

Weirdly, I’d said those words few times over the years, never thinking it would actually happen. Perhaps I was just a 34-year-old woman with a higher probability of dropping two eggs, but I like to think the universe heard me and delivered.

We were excited, but grieved the idea of just having one. There would be no long stretches spent gazing adoringly at one baby, no afternoons walking around the art museum with a baby strapped to my chest, no kidding ourselves that our lives ‘wouldn’t change that much.’

As we adjusted to our new reality, I craved wisdom and information. I tracked down a handful of twin moms and interviewing them, taking copious notes. I found that their experiences and attitudes were across a spectrum. One had a very low-key, can-do attitude about it, as if it wasn’t that big of a deal. Another told me the first six months were “pure hell.” I took all of it with a grain of salt, dismissing what didn’t help me and taking what did.

But as a whole they loved having twins and told me what they’d wished they’d known earlier. Here are the big takeaways:

1. Splurge on the nice baby stuff. Don’t be too thrifty. Put the fancy versions of stuff on your baby registry. You’ll need all the help you can get.

2. Ask for help. With one baby you mayyy be able to manage (kindof??) as a family unit. With twins, you have no choice. Practice the skill of asking for help, of expressing what you want and don’t want. And know that postpartum depression is much more prevalent in twin parents. Don’t wait to seek help.

3. One mom told me “I wish I would’ve stopped breastfeeding sooner.” I stopped pumping after 1 month and feel so glad I did that because Jack and I could switch off and share the immense work of keeping two babies alive. (Of course, this is a super personal decision & you do you!)

4. Take advice from singleton parents with a biiiig grain of salt. It’s a different ballgame entirely. (Every twin mom I talked to echoed this sentiment.)

5. Know that a lot of magical cuteness awaits you. Twin babies hold hands. They look at each other and laugh and you don’t know why! They stand in their cribs and hand each other stuffed animals. They copy each other. They chant “cracker cracker!” as they bulldoze toward you as a unit, demanding snacks. It’s incredibly sweet and absurd and profound. As one twin mom told me, “it’s an interesting life.” I couldn’t agree more.

6. Twins are harder when they’re babies (first year-ish) but easier when they’re older. They have an automatic playmate and you don’t have to set up as many play dates etc. When you send them to day care or leave them with another caregiver, they always have each other!

7. I think people with one child can be more flexible about bedtimes and naptimes, but with twins it helps to create sleep structure earlier and stick to it. Twins stay on the same schedule and the more routine you can build in, the better. (PS: They sleep through each other’s crying all the time, it’s astonishing.)

Here are two bits of advice from me:

• Enjoy getting to lord your twin parent status over all non-twin parents! Embrace your automatic sense of superiority at having twins. Act sympathetic when a parent of one child complains but privately think, Ha! One child would be so easy! (I know this is incorrect and perhaps cruel but I get some kind of demented pleasure out of thinking it. It helps fuel me. Singleton parents please don’t @ me, just let us have this.)

• Talk to other twin parents! Ask around, see who knows a twin mom, and have a phone call or meet them for coffee. I found that talking to twin parents really helped me wrap my head around what it would be like and helped me feel less scared. [Note: When I was asking around, one person was like ‘I can connect you with my cousin who has twins! She’s really haggard and is having a really hard time… but I’m sure she’d talk to you.” I was like No thank you!. I didn’t need to talk to someone barely hanging on by a thread. I needed to talk to moms who had a handle on it and wanted to share.]

Product Endorsements:

• Double Time is a great memoir I devoured when I was pregnant. I couldn’t find another book like it and really appreciated a window into a twin mom’s experience.

• The Twin Z pillow is a helpful feeding pillow for when they’re newborns.

• Table for two was helpful in the 6-12month age range, although I think you could easily just get two baby bjorns and feed them in that. (We had all of the above!)

• We hired a night nurse 1-2 nights a week for the first few months to help us get sleep and stay sane. It was a splurge and I never thought I would’ve done that but it ended up being really helpful and worth every penny.

• Baby Brezza for making formula. Twin parents swear by this and I endorse heavily!

When we told people we were having twins, most people were excited and surprised. But a few of them failed to apply a filter before blurting, Oh, I’m so sorry! One person even said That sucks!

(Can you imagine saying that to an expectant parent? Neither can I!)

Anyway, those people were wrong. Sure, having twins is big and scary and overwhelming, but it’s also incredible and hilarious and fascinating. It’s so extreme and so absurd, you’re never bored. The kinship you feel with other twin parents is deep and immediate. Your children have a built-in friend for life, a relationship so unique and special, and you get to witness it.

I truly love having twins and I think you will, too. And remember, in the hardest moments there’s something you can always say to yourself: at least I don’t have triplets.

❤️ Hal