In 2022 my mom was dying of cancer. It began in her appendix and then spread through out her abdomen, wreaking havoc on her digestion. In that last week of her life she said to me “god, I wish I could have a burger”. There was so much sadness and regret wrapped up in that. My mom spent so much of her life occupied by restricting, starving, trying to make her body small. I developed anorexia at 11, encouraged by my mom. At 27 I began therapy for my eating disorder…and I’m so fucking grateful that it doesn’t dominate my mind now. That I can enjoy food and live, think about the things I want to think about. When I have those impulses to restrict, which still come up, I think about that moment with my mom—I’m so sad that she lived with that restriction for so long. I don’t want that.
I'm 44, so I've seen the ideal body go from Baywatch-and-boobs (my childhood) to Kate Moss waifishness (adolescence), to Kardashian curves and then body positivity (adulthood). Now, watching the skin-and-bones look come back into the spotlight just as my daughter turns 14 is so, so heartbreaking. I really thought we were done with that shit! I hope my generally-body-neutral ethos and the body positivity culture of the last few years have laid enough healthy groundwork in her psyche to resist unhealthy temptations. I love how Gen Z and Alpha reject established norms in many ways, and I really hope this can also be an area where they decide to do so. Fingers crossed.
I really thank you for writing about this. A very close friend died a few years ago from complications related to a long term eating disorder and I think about her every day. She’s already been struggling with it for years when we met in high school and it breaks my heart how hard it is to treat it for most people. She was 32. These days my mom is always dieting and a number of my friends are on GLP1s. Weight loss as a subject is really deeply fraught for me now in a way I still haven’t been able to fully articulate.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am in tears. This is me. I’m working through recovery and hearing you describe exactly the control that I deal with was both incredibly validating and sad. Mental health is “cool” these days, but EDs are still so taboo, so thank you for sharing this. I relate too much to being triggered by all these weight loss ads as well (especially during the “new year new me” push)- just know you’re not alone, we can do it!
Thank you-- I am also in recovery from an eating disorder and it feels lonelier than ever these days. The work is so important and so difficult and is the way I connect to remaining human instead of being consumed by mental illness. I recognised a lot of myself in your story. This was a beautiful, meaningful essay, thank you for writing it.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Hallie. I particularly appreciated you sharing how giving birth triggered the body dysmorphia again. Our bodies do change throughout our lives, but we are so ill-equipped to understand and accept that in our culture. I’m hoping I’ll remember your words when I next have a body critical thought.
Thank you for writing this -- the rampant acceptance of returning to "thinspiration" has left me reeling in (I think) similar ways. It took me many years (maybe many decades) to find my way away from an eating disorder and it took recognizing I needed to be strong (enough) to stand for hours to do my job for me to see eating as fuel and not as failure. Thank you for capturing how easy it feels to tip back into the same thought pattern and habits and how hard it is to stand your grown on body-comments.
Your honesty is refreshing. It's incredible how much "real state" that topic has in everyone's minds, specially women. It was only two years ago that I accepted I had a problem (I'd throw up once in every holiday, about twice a year, and many other behaviors) and started working on it with help and self compassion as drivers. Setting boundaries was tough as well but oh so rewarding. By now although it touches my mind and heart I feel it and remember exactly what you said: our bodies change all the time. In life change is the only constant.
Thank you for sharing this. It's not easy to revisit the past, especially such a dark chapter. I have not personally had an ED, but two members of my family of origin have and 2 of my cousins...3 hospitalized one is no longer with us. It takes serious courage to look something like that in the eye, know it, and recognize it again later in life. I hope you are proud of you, because you're brave. Your babies have a brave, beautiful, magically talented mama.
Thank you so so much for sharing this!!! Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your actual face, so that picture of you & your twins was a particularly wonderful addition to the post 💛
Thank you for writing this piece Hallie. One of my closest friends in my teens had an eating disorder that dominated her life & our friendship. As well as other self destructive behaviours. Eventually I had to remove myself from the friendship. I still think about her & wish I’d been better supported/resourced to help her get help.
I don’t know if it can help others in recovery, but I’ve personally found Life Drawing classes a liberating celebration of the body. Obviously there is scope for glorification of thinness in this setting too, so it’s about finding one with diverse models & body positive teaching. When you do it can be a way to practice seeing & appreciating the beauty of people and their bodies.
Shrill by Lindy West had a profound impact on my life around the same time. I would listen to the book on my commute home on the subway, and I remember that as soon as I finished it, I started it right over again. Her words prompted a tectonic shift for this fat woman who had been dieting since age 5. I stopped paying weight watchers for the first time in 20 years. I followed only fat creators. I would look at their bodies and finally see mine. Something unlocked in me, and I started on the path to accepting myself. Still on that path, but the last few years…whoa buddy. The problem is that while I may accept myself as a fat person, I can’t “love myself” out of the exclusion imposed by a fat phobic society that profits off of my constant pursuit of thinness, as you’ve noted. That pressure has moved from content and apps and social experiences and in to every single doctor’s office visit, because the shot is easier to push than surgery. It sucks. Thank you for your words, from a fat lady who is also done starving herself.
Man, this resonated. And the body dysmorphia after having two kids is real. Its so hard to believe that growing two lives and sustaining them was worth it when you look at a body that isn't familiar. I truly hope our kids don't have to go through what we went through but everyone on GLPs feels like we have been launched back into the 90s coke thin era. May we all find peace in our beautiful bodies that have been through so much with us. ♥️
In 2022 my mom was dying of cancer. It began in her appendix and then spread through out her abdomen, wreaking havoc on her digestion. In that last week of her life she said to me “god, I wish I could have a burger”. There was so much sadness and regret wrapped up in that. My mom spent so much of her life occupied by restricting, starving, trying to make her body small. I developed anorexia at 11, encouraged by my mom. At 27 I began therapy for my eating disorder…and I’m so fucking grateful that it doesn’t dominate my mind now. That I can enjoy food and live, think about the things I want to think about. When I have those impulses to restrict, which still come up, I think about that moment with my mom—I’m so sad that she lived with that restriction for so long. I don’t want that.
I'm 44, so I've seen the ideal body go from Baywatch-and-boobs (my childhood) to Kate Moss waifishness (adolescence), to Kardashian curves and then body positivity (adulthood). Now, watching the skin-and-bones look come back into the spotlight just as my daughter turns 14 is so, so heartbreaking. I really thought we were done with that shit! I hope my generally-body-neutral ethos and the body positivity culture of the last few years have laid enough healthy groundwork in her psyche to resist unhealthy temptations. I love how Gen Z and Alpha reject established norms in many ways, and I really hope this can also be an area where they decide to do so. Fingers crossed.
The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
Also, the writing and cookbooks from Julia Turshen
https://open.substack.com/pub/juliaturshen
I really thank you for writing about this. A very close friend died a few years ago from complications related to a long term eating disorder and I think about her every day. She’s already been struggling with it for years when we met in high school and it breaks my heart how hard it is to treat it for most people. She was 32. These days my mom is always dieting and a number of my friends are on GLP1s. Weight loss as a subject is really deeply fraught for me now in a way I still haven’t been able to fully articulate.
I'm so, so sorry Tove. That's heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am in tears. This is me. I’m working through recovery and hearing you describe exactly the control that I deal with was both incredibly validating and sad. Mental health is “cool” these days, but EDs are still so taboo, so thank you for sharing this. I relate too much to being triggered by all these weight loss ads as well (especially during the “new year new me” push)- just know you’re not alone, we can do it!
Thank you-- I am also in recovery from an eating disorder and it feels lonelier than ever these days. The work is so important and so difficult and is the way I connect to remaining human instead of being consumed by mental illness. I recognised a lot of myself in your story. This was a beautiful, meaningful essay, thank you for writing it.
“The rope has been pulled up” is so painfully real. Incredible piece really moving and a lot to think about
Thank you so much for sharing this, Hallie. I particularly appreciated you sharing how giving birth triggered the body dysmorphia again. Our bodies do change throughout our lives, but we are so ill-equipped to understand and accept that in our culture. I’m hoping I’ll remember your words when I next have a body critical thought.
Thank you for writing this -- the rampant acceptance of returning to "thinspiration" has left me reeling in (I think) similar ways. It took me many years (maybe many decades) to find my way away from an eating disorder and it took recognizing I needed to be strong (enough) to stand for hours to do my job for me to see eating as fuel and not as failure. Thank you for capturing how easy it feels to tip back into the same thought pattern and habits and how hard it is to stand your grown on body-comments.
Your honesty is refreshing. It's incredible how much "real state" that topic has in everyone's minds, specially women. It was only two years ago that I accepted I had a problem (I'd throw up once in every holiday, about twice a year, and many other behaviors) and started working on it with help and self compassion as drivers. Setting boundaries was tough as well but oh so rewarding. By now although it touches my mind and heart I feel it and remember exactly what you said: our bodies change all the time. In life change is the only constant.
Thank you for sharing this. It's not easy to revisit the past, especially such a dark chapter. I have not personally had an ED, but two members of my family of origin have and 2 of my cousins...3 hospitalized one is no longer with us. It takes serious courage to look something like that in the eye, know it, and recognize it again later in life. I hope you are proud of you, because you're brave. Your babies have a brave, beautiful, magically talented mama.
Thank you so so much for sharing this!!! Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your actual face, so that picture of you & your twins was a particularly wonderful addition to the post 💛
Reading this felt like getting a hug from someone who understands; thank you for writing it. I feel a little less lonely now. <3
Thank you for writing this piece Hallie. One of my closest friends in my teens had an eating disorder that dominated her life & our friendship. As well as other self destructive behaviours. Eventually I had to remove myself from the friendship. I still think about her & wish I’d been better supported/resourced to help her get help.
I don’t know if it can help others in recovery, but I’ve personally found Life Drawing classes a liberating celebration of the body. Obviously there is scope for glorification of thinness in this setting too, so it’s about finding one with diverse models & body positive teaching. When you do it can be a way to practice seeing & appreciating the beauty of people and their bodies.
Shrill by Lindy West had a profound impact on my life around the same time. I would listen to the book on my commute home on the subway, and I remember that as soon as I finished it, I started it right over again. Her words prompted a tectonic shift for this fat woman who had been dieting since age 5. I stopped paying weight watchers for the first time in 20 years. I followed only fat creators. I would look at their bodies and finally see mine. Something unlocked in me, and I started on the path to accepting myself. Still on that path, but the last few years…whoa buddy. The problem is that while I may accept myself as a fat person, I can’t “love myself” out of the exclusion imposed by a fat phobic society that profits off of my constant pursuit of thinness, as you’ve noted. That pressure has moved from content and apps and social experiences and in to every single doctor’s office visit, because the shot is easier to push than surgery. It sucks. Thank you for your words, from a fat lady who is also done starving herself.
Man, this resonated. And the body dysmorphia after having two kids is real. Its so hard to believe that growing two lives and sustaining them was worth it when you look at a body that isn't familiar. I truly hope our kids don't have to go through what we went through but everyone on GLPs feels like we have been launched back into the 90s coke thin era. May we all find peace in our beautiful bodies that have been through so much with us. ♥️